The Art and Spirituality of Good-bye
Rev. Phil Schulman
March 28, 2010
What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
a.He was being tested.
b.He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c.He refused to ask directions.
It is the time of year for the Jewish holiday of Passover. In the spirit of remembering the journey out of slavery, I wish to pass on something liberating. Marshall Rosenberg wrote of 3 stages people pass through from emotional slavery to freedom. These stages parallel the 3 locations in the biblical account of the Hebrews journey to the Promised Land.
As you hear these three "stages," please don't take them to be prescriptive. The journey is allegorical rather than literal. You may journey toward freedom in your own way and time. Most of us regress at times and at other times, we surge ahead.
If emotional liberation comes more slowly than you would like, remember that the ancient Hebrews spent 40 years in the desert, transitioning from Egypt to Canaan. It's not just about physical distance or the time required. It's also a journey of consciousness. It takes us time and effort to become ready to claim our freedom. Academic or intellectual understanding doesn't get us there. It takes repeated action, reflection and integration.
Emotional Slavery
Growing up as part of the human race, each of us has, to some degree been trained or conditioned to think we are responsible for other people's feelings. This resulted from the way we were taught to behave. We were taught to label things and people as good and bad. We were taught that if we behave "badly," we make other people feel bad. We also come to imagine that other people can be responsible for how we feel. Consequently, we spend much of our time "in our heads," coming up with reasons why people "should" act the way we want them to. We became prisoners of our own thoughts.
Rosenberg calls this condition "emotional slavery" or "emotional bondage." In emotionally slavery we feel feel guilty and anxious when those who are close to us go through tough situations. We worry about hurting other people’s feelings. We believe it is our job to "make" others happy. We also can't imagine being happy if people don't act the way we think they "should."
The desire to escape from emotional slavery often starts when we get sick of dependency and of denying ourselves. Urgency causes us to heed the beckoning of our needs. We find deliverance when we realize that feelings are not caused by events but come as a result of an individual's thoughts and responses to events. When we realize that we are not responsible for the way others choose to respond to circumstances, and that they're not responsible for the way we choose to respond to circumstances, we move out of Egypt and into the desert.
Here's an example. Moshe asks Miriam to go to a movie. Miriam says no (for whatever reason). How Moshe reacts will determine his feelings. Does he say to himself "Way to go Moshe, you did a good job of reaching out, there. Keep it up, you are going to go far with that assertiveness?" Or does he say "I knew I was crazy to think I was good enough for Miriam." (pause/ gesture) When Miriam realizes that she is not responsible for Moshe's internal choices, she is emancipated.
If we have habitually deferred to others needs we may switch to the other extreme. We may shift from completely ignoring our own internal reality to completely ignoring other peoples' needs. We may become so intent on fulfilling our inner biddings, that we completely disregard others' feelings. We may act with contempt or disregard for others. Rosenberg calls this stage "emotional obnoxiousness." It means we have escaped slavery and now find ourselves in the desert.
We reach the promised land of emotional liberation when we realize that we are responsible for our actions, not for other people's feelings. We realize that our behaviors play a role as a stimulus for other peoples' experience. We become able to value our needs and other people's too. Where it used to be either "us" or "them,", we now discover new choices. We become able to discuss and work cooperatively. We seek to find solutions that are good for everyone. When it comes to fulfillment, we develop a more-the-merrier attitude.
Collaboration becomes a desirable possibility. We find it more enjoyable to achieve cooperation than to assume that we have to figure everything out ourselves. We come to know and appreciate the freedom of choice that's ours in every situation. We are now able to consider others' feelings and needs without taking responsibility for them. We're less likely to perceive situations as threatening, and more likely to get excited by the challenge of finding a win-win solution. We become aware of new possibilities for sweet connection with others, and our circle of caring expands exponentially. This is true deliverance and emotional freedom.
In short, we want the courage and the consciousness to leave slavery behind us and freely face the days ahead.
BTW, do you know what they call someone who derives pleasure from the bread of affliction?
A): a matzochist.
The Passover spiel I have just given doesn't leave me so much time for good-byes. Fortunately, one of the lessons I have had here is the importance of limiting my words. I don't want to be a Babbleonian, as Kelly Bryson calls it. So I promise never to Babble On again. Do you believe me? ... (if no) I wouldn't bet on that, either.
Attempting to have shorter goodbyes is a place I break from Jewish culture. When I was a kid I remember waiting impatiently as my father said his “umpteen good-byes.” I prefer the hippie way. You have a closing circle. Then you can stay and schmooze or skeedaddle as you need.
Saying goodbye, acknowledging the end of something is a spiritual practice. In the US, we don't say good bye. We say see you later. Plus, nowadays we are used to constant transition, and with smart phones, internet, facebook etc. it seems everyone is just a click away. It's not at all like that poignant scene in Fiddler on the Roof, where Chavala gets on the train to Siberia, and her parents wonder if they will ever hear from her again.
Oh, and I promise the Passover spiel was in no way intended to compare my leaving to the Exodus. My faith and my optimism always tell me that the best is yet to come. But this was no Egypt. There was no forced labor. Actually this was far more like the promised land.
Do you have any idea how much I have enjoyed the peace of this place? I am so grateful for every meal that I ate sitting on the patio underneath a great canopy of oak trees. I am grateful for the opportunity to have served as the Minister of this church.
I remember the first day I set foot in the sanctuary on a weekday in the spring of 2005. I thought to myself, “oh if they will give me that pulpit, I will show these people UU worship like they have never seen before.” The truth is that this congregation has given me opportunities for creativity and expression in worship that I had never known before.
Ever since I was in seminary back in the 80's, I dreamed of having a band of musicians to enliven worship. I yearned to break out of the UU tendency for flat intellectual services. CUUC wasn't my first breakthrough, but being here for five years enabled me to build momentum and take new risks.
I am grateful for the stories and the music and prayer, the movement and raising of arms... The only thing greater than the enjoyment I've had shaping and leading services here, was using this pulpit as a launching pad from which to reach out into the greater UU world. I will share two worship highlights from the road. Both occurred at our SWUUSummer Institute. Two years ago, I took my most passionate prayerful Niggun, a Jewish humming tune and watched as UUS from 5 states sang and swayed, and clearly received this new experience with open hearts. The next year I brought fired up preaching plus a ecstatic rocking Niggun. It was the Niggun we sang two weeks ago. The SWUUSI video on youtube captures a moment of us dancing wildly to the beat of several drums and keyboards and more. I dare say that none of us had been to a revival like that one before.
Another gratitude comes from me for the 10 Tree Challenge. In the fall of 05, the CUUC board voted to endorse and support this as a community ministry. About 140 people signed up to represent over 100 local organizations. We gave away over 325 trees. They planted between 400-500 trees. Then, thanks to the UU Ministry for Earth and its Green Sanctuary program, our little project spread to some 30 UU congregations that planted between 2 and 3 thousands trees. The project unleashed a flourishing of creative expression of our UU spirituality and action based on the UUA's 7th Principle.
Another gratitude is for the memory of seeing revitalization of church grounds. The lion's share of the work has been done by a small number of members, the Bradshaws, MaryBeth Romeo and a few others. But each year there were new people who worked on these grounds. Now Gabriel Grimes' Scout project is bringing a much needed fence replacement. Although this winter killed many plants, I imagine there will be new people who will come forward to keep the grounds being as much of a sanctuary as it is in here.
I'm grateful to have seen changes in how this building is used. Five years ago, there were no other religious or spiritually oriented groups meeting here. There were only the Toastmasters and Freethinkers. Sometimes they filled the parking lot, but together they paid a total of only $25/month. Eventually our board passed a rental policy. There is now with us a Buddhist group, a Hindu group, a Theosophy society, and a yoga class that emphasizes meditation and spiritual awakening, and a reformed Catholic group. This fulfills a dream of interfaith community I've held for 25 years. Additionally, the SA Zen group made its first home in a house I had renovated downtown. These are but a few of the blessings I've seen and received while serving this congregation.
I must also mention the little community of people who attend Compassionate Communications classes here. The support of this practice ripples out into the city. One student began a support group for parents. Another has taught the process to the nurses in her charge. The blessings I've known as a result of serving here are too many to mention.
Beyond outward things, is the blessing of doing ministry itself. It is an outrageous opportunity to care for the souls of all who come to our congregation for guidance. This is the work of the church and it is sacred. Socializing and intellectual discussions can be powerful and are wonderful to have here when they exist as a part of the work of the religious community. Please remember to be religious liberals, religious liberals!
I am most grateful for chance to grow as a minister and a leader. The work itself can be a powerful practice when I prioritize my own spirituality. The only thing that can take precedence over my own faith development and spiritual journey is to give care to those who seek my assistance for their own. If there is one thing I would pray comes to each of you, it is the realization of the profoundly sacred nature of the work of ministry. If at all possible, avail yourself to the outstanding support and training that is available for lay leaders in our conference. When I say ministry, I am referring to the work we share together.
I began this sermon by sharing a Passover reflection on the journey from emotional slavery to freedom. Our ministry asks us to support spiritual journey to freedom, to faith, to consciousness, to peace, to love, to God. Our religion doesn't force any of us to use the word God. It certainly doesn't require belief in a personal deity or entity. However, religious liberalism requires us as a congregation to move beyond literal, rigid and dogmatic banishment of religious language. Turning toward God, the Tao, the way of harmony with nature, the Great Mystery, the transcendent, enlightenment or awakening to the truth of interdependence, leaning towards an eternal perspective, calling your soul to embrace its ultimate concern, ...said and understood in any of these ways, is the work of the religious community.
I am grateful for my own faith development that has been supported by my experience serving this congregation. I have grown by leaps and bounds in my courage and ability to speak of matters of faith. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to share the truths that have saved me from a meaningless life of distraction, and that continue to offer me a life rich in spirit, meaning, purpose, peace, fulfillment and joy.
What I have learned about saying goodbye is simple. Push past my own addiction to comfort and composure and invulnerability in order to be authentic, and express what is most meaningful. What is most important for you to express? What ignored value lies dormant or agitates inside you?
I've learned, or anyways I am learning not to waste time compulsively dramatizing petty grievances. Rather than talking about what didn't happen, what I didn't or don't want, I am learning to focus on the bidding of my heart and soul. I pray that our faith calls you to plummet courageously into your hearts and grow in awareness of what is truly worthy of your passion, devotion and commitment.
What is worthy of setting our hearts and lives upon? To be a church, we must ask this question. How important are the tasks of nurturing spiritual awareness and developing faith? To me these are of supreme importance. In saying goodbye, as in saying hello and journeying together, faith asks us to find a way to say yes to life. I have come to believe that at any given moment we have exactly what we need for our spiritual growth, exactly what we need for us to be able to take the next step for our spiritual awakening. For me it means shifting from a consciousness of “should have, would have, could have,” and “if only I” or if only you” to a consciousness that enables me to look into this moment and bow to the sacred that is here. To find reasons for joy, and allow grief to express. To remember something of blessings past, to honor them with a commitment to carry it forward and nurture it. And most of all, to say Thank you.
Thank you. So be it.
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