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From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER A loss of confidence in Auction Director, Henry Halff's, ability to respond to continuing crises in the conduct of the CUUC Service Auction has led the White House to refer the matter to the Department of Homeland Security. At a press conference this morning, President Bush said, "That auction is, everyone knows is, the linchpin, I mean critical to the failure of my economic recovery plan, see? We got to do something fast. I can't even offer these CUUCers a tax break since Crazy Carol Strayhorn decided that they qualified for a tax exemption." In a rare show of bipartisan support, Senators Harry Reid (D-NV) and Barbara Boxer (D-CA) agreed that prompt action was needed to save the nation's economy. Boxer remarked, "This guy Halff makes Michael Brown look like Winston Churchill." Churchill is widely credited with Britain's decisive stand against Hitler in WWII. Reid added, "I've recommended to the President that Halff be sent on a hunting trip with [Vice President] Dick Cheney." Halff claimed that he was on top of the situation, citing three new Auction Initiatives: a fortune teller, a seated-massage service, and Extreme Makeover: Church Sign Design Edition. It was widely reported, however that the fortune teller's only function was to instruct her clients that happiness would be theirs if they spent big at the auction. It is also well established in the scientific literature that massages increase the tendency to spend money. The auction received a further blow later in the day when Halff's entry in the Extreme Makeover: Church Sign Design Edition was inadvertently posted to the auction website. Publication of the entry inflamed protests among Unitarian-Universalists worldwide. Three people were injured in a riot outside of the Unitarian-Universalist Association Headquarters in Boston. Association President. William Sinkford, urged all Unitarian-Universalists to refrain from violence. "I understand and share the horror that all UUs must feel at the sight of this disgusting design. However, I am confident that other entries will be submitted and will prevail. By Monday, this shocking incident will be history." From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER In an effort to rescue the beleaguered CUUC Service Auction, Auction Director, Henry Halff, announced that the auction gala would host Extreme Makeover: Church Sign Design Edition. This event is a contest, open to all, to design a new sign for the church. According to Halff, the rules are simple.
Fox TV had reportedly expressed an interest in televising the event as reality TV, but pulled out at the last minute when their camera crew was subjected to a surprise barrage of water balloons. From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER San Antonio is bracing this weekend for the last Sunday of silent bidding at the CUUC Service Auction. Extra riot police and school crossing guards will be deployed at the church to deal with the anticipated onslaught of crazed shoppers, ready to trample, kick and scratch to get to the bidding sheets. Metal detectors have been installed at the church, and no one will be admitted to the church without a standard screening. Complicating the situation is a report that unnamed individuals, angered that their requests (http://cuucsa.org/auction/requestlist.html) for donations have not been fulfilled were planning "some sort of missile assault" on the church. Air defense facilities in the area are on high alert. Auction Director, Henry Halff was rumored to be among the terrorist conspirators. Halff could not be reached for comment, but had reportedly been seen at an undisclosed location filling what appeared to be water balloons. San Antonio Mayor, Phil Hardberger, said at a press conference, "This could make the battle of the Alamo look like a Sunday picnic." Hardberger said that he was in close contact with Homeland Security and that special representative, Michael Brown, had assured him that the Federal Government was prepared to act quickly and decisively to deal with any problems that might arise on Sunday. Hardberger, noting the close cooperation between the White House and Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa, said that he had complete confidence in the government's capability to respond to the crisis. Authorities urged all citizens to avoid the vicinity of the church if at all possible on Sunday morning. Individuals who insist on bidding should prepare fully for the event by visiting the auction site on the web at http://cuucsa.org/auction. Asked about the possibility of bidding on-line in order to spare the community from the anticipated bloodshed, Halff replied, "Are you daft??!!" From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER A mob of angry CUUC members gathered outside the church yesterday afternoon to protest the Service Auction's failures to find their requested donations. One member, who asked not to be identified, remarked, "I was promised some help with my gardening problem. If I ever see that so-called auction director, Henry Halff, we'll string him up by his toes." In a puzzling development, the auction director himself, Henry Halff, joined the mob. Said Halff, "All I want is a little rehab for my grueling Elbonian re-education experience. Is that too much to ask?" Another unnamed member, waving an AK-47 and firing into the air, screamed, "If someone don't finish my painting projects there's gonna be blood on the floor!" A third protester, believed to be from the White House, carried a picket sign that read "Metropolitan Electrical Supply and Distribution System or die!" One member of the mob, a Joan Bradshaw, was willing to identify herself, explaining, "What have I got to lose. If someone doesn't help me dig holes in my garden, my life will be over." In response to these developments major Islamic groups and middle-eastern nations formed a crisis committee called Islamic Protest Visibility Jihad (IPVJ). Representatives of Fatah, Hamas, Al-Qaeda, Islamic Jihad, Islamic Brotherhood, Iran and Syria gathered on Cyprus to discuss the situation. In a joint statement they claimed, "Although it may appear that the CUUC Request Protest has eclipsed the Danish Cartoon Protest, rest assured that the we extremists have the staying power to outlast any protest that the West can mount. We are confident that all members of CUUC have been terrorized enough to go to http://cuucsa.org/requestlist.html. They will soon make the problem go away with their generous donations." The White House issued a response to the IPVJ statement that read, in part, "We remain committed to winning the protest war and have a plan for victory. We have appointed Michael Brown to a newly created Office of Protest Superiority, and we expect him to take prompt and decisive action to counter the evil schemes of the IPVJ. We are pledged to giving the CUUC protesters whatever support they need in their struggle to out-protest the Danish cartoon protesters." From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER The situation surrounding the CUUC Service Auction grew more complex this weekend as Auction Director Henry Halff removed to an undisclosed location re-educaton in service auction donation planning. Reliable sources report that Halff was actually rendered to a re-education camp in the Elbonian Gulag (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elbonia). Halff admitted that he had recently visited Elbonia, but had no other comment on this report. Nor was he willing to offer an explanation of the rope burns on his wrists and discoloration around the left eye. In a prepared statement, Halff said, "The Elbonian Re-Education Program has shown me the light. The donation period for the CUUC service auction has been extended until February 18, the night of the auction gala. Donation instructions can be found at http://cuucsa.org/auction/. I am pleased to announce that despite a hectic weekend, many items are now open for bidding in our silent auction. Bids may be placed using the bid sheets available at the church, and a current catalog is available on-line at http://cuucsa.org/auction/catalog.pdf." When asked whether or not physical duress was part of Halff's re-education curriculum, the White House reiterated Secretary of State Rice's statement of December 5, 2005. "The United States does not permit, tolerate, or condone torture under any circumstances." Nonetheless, interested sources noted that Halff had posted a request for "Rehabilitation Services" on the auction request list (http://cuucsa.org/auction/requestlist.html). From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER Donations to the CUUC Service Auction increased to 21 this morning, half the number of items donated to last year's service auction. Henry Halff, the auction director, has reportedly sought the advice of former CIA Director, George Tenet. Sources indicate that Tenet was "dead certain" that the number of donations would reach 42 by the donation deadline of noon tomorrow. When asked, Tenet refused to provide full details on the situation. He did, however, mention that he was in possession of "critical intelligence" from "secret Al-Qaeda communications" cleverly disguised as a sandwich wrapper in a discarded Djibouti goatherder's lunch sack. President Bush, who is "briefed hourly," on the service auction situation, remarked, "Here's the thing. I have lots of faith in whatever George has to say. He's been a good soldier in the war on terror and sometimes his predictions prove out to be really the case. So, the good news from all this is that my tax cuts are working to save the American economy and destroy the Iraqi insurgents' evil program to keep Baghdad in the dark." Halff admitted that he was gratified by the President's remarks. "I guess that explains why someone posted a request to our website (http://cuucsa.org/auction/) for the donation of a national electrical grid for an unnamed city 'in an arid region.' " Halff also said that he was "in negotiations" with Robert Stein to respond to the request, and hoped to have the requested donation in hand before Stein begins his anticipated prison term for rigging Iraq reconstruction contracts. "We really got lucky," Halff said "to find someone with Stein's qualifications to head this effort." Despite Tenet's confidence, Halff urged all Americans to go to the donation form (http://cuucsa.org/donations.html) and "donate, donate, donate!" From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER Reliable sources within the government today noted increased concern with the low number of donations to the CUUC Service Auction. Unnamed officials were quoted as saying that "The paltry number of donations to the auction threatens to bring our economic recovery to a standstill." The same sources noted that the NSA had successfully breached Auction Director Henry Halff's personal computer and learned that as of Sunday the auction had only 14 donations, far less than the total of 42 donations in last year's auction. Senator Harry Reid (D-Nevada) questioned the legality of this move and noted that the same information was available on the auction website (http://cuucsa.org/auction/). The White House reaction to Mr. Reid's comments was "We knew that." Moving to respond quickly to NSA's discoveries, the government has asked Michael Brown to head up an effort to classify all CUUC members as Enemy Nondonators. Under current Homeland Security regulations, Enemy Nondonators may be sent to the Elbonian Detention Center for "retraining" in "donation skills." Halff reacted to this information by saying, "There are no donation skills. You go to http://cuucsa.org/auction/donations.html; you fill in the form; you hit the submit button. It's that simple." Halff admitted, however, that he was powerless to prevent Brown from moving forward, and that he would not be surprised if the entire church membership spent the weekend in the Elbonian Gulag. In related developments, the Justice Department would neither confirm nor deny reports that Reid and Halff are under investigation for disclosing classified information. From: Henry Halff <henry@quiensabe.com> SERVICE AUCTION SHOCKER National markets plunged into chaos today amid rumors that the CUUC service auction director, Henry Halff was considering resignation from his post. Professor Murphy Filbitz of the University of Texas at Austin noted that "because such a large part of the national economy depends on this auction, any uncertainty in its management is bound to have an effect." Halff was interviewed at his palatial San Antonio home, where he remarked, "Hey, we're already through half of the first donation week, and we only have one donation. I have more important things to do. I'm a featured speaker at the annual meeting of the Professional Fundraisers of America in the Bahamas this year, and since my good friends, Randy and Jack, had to pull out, the association is relying on me as the only draw." Halff denied that he had accepted any inducements from local merchandisers, but an official of the San Antonio Retailers Association, speaking under conditions of anonymity, said "This auction is scheduled for Presidents Day Weekend, and stands to gut to our sales. Naturally, we'll do whatever it takes to make it go away." President Bush commented on the situation in an appearance before the National Association of We Love Bush and Cheney Too Clubs. "See, we've got to keep this economy going, so to do that we all have to spend money. And since people spend money at the CUUC Service auction, this is something we have to keep going. We can't afford to let the Al-Qaeda terrorist suiciders kill off the CUUC service auction. That's why I need your support for more tax cuts. It's just that simple." Most experts agree that the auction can only be saved by a massive surge in donations. Top celebrities such as Britney Spears, Tom Cruise, and Rick Perry are urging their fan bases to go to http://cuucsa.org/auction/ to make contributions. Wall street analysts, however were pessimistic, and the marke lost 15% of its value in heavy trading today. |
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